Agentcel's Magical Box of Laughter and Death
I propose a joke thread! If you've heard a really good joke recently, post it here! Want to try out something you came up with yourself? Post it here! I don't think we have to worry about political correctness, but maybe clean language? I dunno. At your own descretion. But go ahead, let em rip. I'll start with one (COPYPASTING IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL).
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare
afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.
The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty
swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I
missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I
missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you
keep swearing," the nun said tartly...
The priest promised to do better and the round
continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment
followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God
is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like
that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of
lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her
tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice .......
"Shit, I missed."
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare
afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.
The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty
swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I
missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I
missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you
keep swearing," the nun said tartly...
The priest promised to do better and the round
continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment
followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God
is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like
that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of
lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her
tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice .......
"Shit, I missed."
Comments
The cat scurries off.
The mother mouse turns to her daughter and says: "Now do you see the importance in learning a foreign language!?"
The preacher mounted the horse, said "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said "Amen".
He took off again, saying "Praise the Lord".
The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got excited and said "Whoa". Then he remembered and said "Amen" and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff.
The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said "Praise the Lord"
He should have had a phantom.
Anyway!!
A young nurse is giving a comatose woman a sponge bath, when she notices a small sign of response on the moniters the woman is hooked up to. Noticing that the woman responded to slight contact with her naughty bits, the nurse sees if she could get another response, and finds that the woman shows more response when she touches her again.
The woman's husband was due to visit his wife in just a few minutes, so when the man arrived, the young nurse bashfully walks up to him. The man notices the nurse acting very embarrassed about something, so he asks her, "What's the matter?"
"Oh! Well... your wife actually showed some signs of response while I was giving her a sponge bath, and it gave me the idea... perhaps you could jolt her from her coma if you perhaps... had oral sex with her."
The man looked at her, bewildered, and looked in the direction of his wife. "Oh, don't worry!" the nurse exclaimed, "We'll close the curtains and leave the room she's staying in, you'll have all the privacy you need... it's just that, you might just be able to wake up your wife! I thought it might be at least worth a try..."
The man seemed very confused and uneasy about the whole thing, but eventually agreed to try, saying "Well, if you say so..."
The nurse leaves the man alone with his wife, and waits outside the patient's room for a result. After just 10 minutes, the man exits the room, looking very concerned.
"What happened??" the nurse asks.
"Well," said the man, "everything was going just fine, but then... she died."
"What?? She's dead? But how?!"
"I'm not sure, but... I think she might have choked."
Cloud
The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
No eye deer (idea, get it?)
What'd'ya call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still, no eye deer
What'd'ya call a dog with no legs?
doesn't matter, you can call him whatever you want, he still won't come.
What'd'ya call a dog with no back legs and steel balls?
Sparky.
What'd'ya call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pool?
Bob.
A guy wins a darts game at a bar called "Sally's Legs" and wins a free drink, but it's closing time so the bartender tells him to come back tomorrow. The guy shows up bright and early the next day, hours before they open and waits impatiently for the bar to open. A cop sees him pacing around and asks him what's wrong, so the guy says, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a free drink."
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a scum-sucking bottom-dweller, and the other one's a fish.
There was a very successful business man who was plagued his entire adult life with horrible migraines. The man couldn't enjoy his millions because of them. Finally he goes to a new doctor who tells him that he has a rare condition where his balls push up against the base of his spine and his headaches, the only solution is to cut them off. The guy thinks about it for awhile, then decides it's worth it. SO he's all done and feels a lot better, but just a little different. He decides that a new suit will cheer him up. He goes to this really nice upscale tailor shop and asks to be measured for a new suit. The tailor says no need, looks at him for a second and goes, "Let me guess, jacket: size 38, collar: 16.5, and pants: 32x30." That ma is amazed, "that's exactly right" he says. The Tailor says, "how about some new underwear, too. I'd say a 34". The man laughs and says, "Looks like you missed that one, i always wear a nice supportive 32" The tailor looks at him and says, "no. If you wear a 32 it'll squeeze your balls up against your spine and give you a massive headache."
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Two strings walk into a bar, the bartender says, "hey, we don't serve strings here." They go outside, tie themselves together and frizz their ends and go back in. the bartender says, "hey, aren't you those strings i just threw outta here?" The one strings says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Then, a proton walks into the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "Are you sure?"
And the proton says, "I'm positive."
A flat minor
(then again, this is the internet.)
Two middle aged married men are taking a round out on the golf course.
The first guy takes a swing and then says to the other guy "Hey, I think my wife might be dead."
The second guy looks at him and says "well, how'd you come up with that idea?"
The first guy answers back "Well, I'm not quite sure...The sex is still the same but the dishes are piling up..."
Bahh I've got plenty more but I need to figure out the limit on gore-esque jokes.