I didn't have a valedictorian at my HS graduation. I had a speaker who said things akin to "you people got a second chance, and you're lucky to have it. If you end up as garbage men, you should be thankful."
Yeah, it kinda sucked.
And then I graduated College for the first time, and the keynote speaker was President Bush.
I only liked one speach from a guy from the mayor's office. he started with; "Before coming out here today, I received some advice from Mayor Gulliani, 'when you go to a graduation, you're alot like the body at a wake. They need you there, but nobody expects you to say much.'"
At my graduation, everyone kept throwing beach balls around, and when the principal or police officer took them away, they just brought out another one. It was very annoying during a formal ceremony.
At my brother's graduation last year, there were beach balls, water guns, giant inflatable penises, and silly string. Everybody had fun except the principal. I mean, my mom actually bought my brother the silly string. I wonder what's gonna happen at my graduation this year. Our new principal already gave a speech on not doing that, it's embarrassing, disrespectful, yadda yadda yadda...
WHEN Chris Taylor’s best friend repeatedly mentioned the name Gary, his suspicions were aroused. He didn’t know a Gary.
And, when the best friend made slurpy kissing noises every time he heard the name Gary on television, Chris wondered if Ziggy was trying to tell him something about some other pretty boy. The penny dropped when, one romantic evening as Mr Taylor cuddled his girlfriend Suzy Collins on the sofa, Ziggy blurted out: “I love you, Gary.”
What gave the game away was that Ziggy spoke the fatal phrase in Ms Collins’s voice. Even by the standards of African grey parrots, Ziggy is a mimic and a half, and from his cage in the corner he had heard every bill and coo of a secret love affair.
A chill ran down Mr Taylor’s spine. He turned to Suzy, whose cheeks had flushed to beetroot. As she dissolved in tears she was forced to admit to a month-long fling with Gary, some of their intimacies conducted in Mr Taylor’s home while he was out at work, but Ziggy wasn’t. She could not deny it; every time her mobile phone had rung, Ziggy had piped up in perfect imitation of her: “Hiya Gary.”
Feathers flew, the relationship was over, and Ms Collins, 25, a call-centre worker, was sent packing that very night from the house in Headingley, Leeds, she had shared with man and bird for a year. That was sad enough, but what is even more heartbreaking is that Mr Taylor has had to part with Ziggy. Hearing the bird constantly squawking the hated name of Gary in the voice of an ex-girlfriend was just too much.
Ziggy has found a new home thanks to the good offices of a local parrot dealer; Mr Taylor, 30, a computer programmer, is adjusting to life on his own. “I wasn’t sorry to see the back of Suzy after what she did, but it really broke my heart to let Ziggy go,” he said yesterday.
“I love him to bits and I really miss having him around, but it was torture hearing him repeat that name over and over again.”
He believes Ziggy was looking after his master’s interests as the bird never really took to Ms Collins, nor she to him. It might have been jealousy, which can flare so easily in a household of two males and one female.
“Ziggy was one in a million; he was a loyal friend, and I have no doubt he was looking out for me,” Mr Taylor said.
The bird was nothing if not multi-talented. He was, according to his former master, a better impressionist than Alistair McGowan, who could exactly imitate Chris’s friends, copy voices from television and radio, and do convincing impersonations of the doorbell, microwave and alarm clock.
Mr Taylor acquired him as a chick eight years ago and named him after the David Bowie character, Ziggy Stardust. He taught the bird to dance while it sang: “Put on your red shoes and dance the blues.”
Ms Collins, who is staying with friends, admitted her fling yesterday but refused to identify Gary.
“I’m not proud of what I did but I’m sure Chris would be the first to admit we were having problems. We had spoken about splitting up several times and I think it was inevitable.”
She added: “I’m surprised to hear he’s got rid of that bloody bird; he spent more time talking to it than he did to me. I couldn’t stand Ziggy, and it looks now the feeling was mutual.”
PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island (AP) -- A former handyman has won more than $400,000 in a lawsuit over a penile implant that gave him a 10-year erection.
Charles "Chick" Lennon, 68, received the steel and plastic implant in 1996, about two years before Viagra went on the market. The Dura-II is designed to allow impotent men to position the penis upward for sex, then lower it.
But Lennon could not position his penis downward. He said he could no longer hug people, ride a bike, swim or wear bathing trunks because of the pain and embarrassment. He has become a recluse and is uncomfortable being around his grandchildren, his lawyer said.
In 2004, a jury awarded him $750,000. A judge called that excessive and reduced it to $400,000. On Friday, the Rhode Island Supreme Court affirmed that award in a ruling that turned on a procedural matter.
"I don't know any man who for any amount of money would want to trade and take my client's life," said Jules D'Alessandro, Lennon's attorney. "He's not a whole person."
A lawyer representing both Dura-II manufacturer Dacomed Corp. and the company's insurer declined to comment. Dacomed maintained that nothing was wrong with the implant.
The implant consists of a series of plastic plates strung together with steel surgical wire, almost like a roll of wrapped coins. Springs press against the plates, creating enough surface tension to simulate an erection, D'Alessandro said.
Lennon cannot get the implant removed because of health problems, including open-heart surgery, his lawyer said. Impotence drugs could not help Lennon even if he were able to have the device taken out, because tissue had be to removed for it to be implanted.
Dacomed was later acquired by a California company whose sales dropped when Viagra was introduced on the market. The company filed for bankruptcy the following year.
Comments
At my graduation, the valedictorian compared us to ducklings in a pond for like twenty minutes. It sucked. No video game references for me...
Yeah, it kinda sucked.
And then I graduated College for the first time, and the keynote speaker was President Bush.
We also had streakers that day...I'd never run so fast, as the whole school chased them to get a peek..I got there second
Imagine the sloshed fish...
Good thing I carry a spare. You'll have to do better than that, exploding computer.