from personal experiance, you dont say "ow" when you walk into a bar. you say "augh, DAMMIT! that hurt!" those were my exact words, because i was standing right in front of a metal bar, with my back to it. i turned around to do somthing, and walked right eye first into a steel bar.
Man walking through the woods at night with a little boy.
BOY: "These woods sure are scary!"
MAN: "I don't know what you're complaining about -- I have to walk home alone..."
oh.
The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Irving got up to read his. "My Dad fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman, so he buys her a drink and walks up to her.
"What's your name?" He asks.
She responds "Carmen."
He thinks for a second, "That's a lovely name, is it a family name or something?"
"No," She says, "I gave it to myself so people know my two favorite things in the world, cars and men."
He nods, and she asks, "So what's your name?"
The man replies, "Golftits."
Wait, were we doing puns?
Abraham was messing around with his computer, trying to install Windows 95 and getting pretty frustrated in the process. His son, Issac comes up to him and exclaims, "Dad, your computer doesn't have enough memory for that!" Abraham responds, "It's alright son, God will provide the ram."
A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman, so he buys her a drink and walks up to her.
"What's your name?" He asks.
She responds "Carmen."
He thinks for a second, "That's a lovely name, is it a family name or something?"
"No," She says, "I gave it to myself so people know my two favorite things in the world, cars and men."
He nods, and she asks, "So what's your name?"
The man replies, "Golftits."
Wait, were we doing puns?
Abraham was messing around with his computer, trying to install Windows 95 and getting pretty frustrated in the process. His son, Issac comes up to him and exclaims, "Dad, your computer doesn't have enough memory for that!" Abraham responds, "It's alright son, God will provide the ram."
He should've installed OS/2.
(Not Linux, 'cause Linux sucked in 1995. OS/2 was still awesome, though.)
Four friends have been doing really well in their calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning. As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over.
They go to the professor's office and offer him an explanation: "We went to our friend's birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we could get help."
The professor nods sympathetically and says: "I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning."
When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and confidently, the students start writing.
The first question - five points out of one hundred - is a simple exercise in integration, and all four finish it within ten minutes.
When the first of them has completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads on the next one:
Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?
All four of the students then thought “0h SHI!!1” loudly in their heads, for they knew that they should have listened to their old friend Admiral Ackabar before the exam. All four students dutifully wrote “Epic Phail” as the answer for Problem 2 as they knew they were obligated to do. the end.
I have been called bad before. People say i do many things that are not good. I do not agree. I am good man with happy thoughts! All of the time!. First, a joke.
Comments
Speaking of which:
A man walks into a doctors office. "I have no left ventricle" He says half-heartedly
Oh and:
I was charged with stealing gates. I plead not guilty to the offence.
I entered a local Pun Contest. I sent in ten different puns in the
hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
"Death is a punchline"
It was divine intervention.
(I am using a very rarely used definition of intervention. Sorry.)
And I don't care that seals don't actually walk!
BOY: "These woods sure are scary!"
MAN: "I don't know what you're complaining about -- I have to walk home alone..."
That's because it's not a pun. It's actually funny.
The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Irving got up to read his. "My Dad fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
Geordie General: Careful men! They got War Drums!
Private: Thievin' Basta'ds!
"What's your name?" He asks.
She responds "Carmen."
He thinks for a second, "That's a lovely name, is it a family name or something?"
"No," She says, "I gave it to myself so people know my two favorite things in the world, cars and men."
He nods, and she asks, "So what's your name?"
The man replies, "Golftits."
Wait, were we doing puns?
Abraham was messing around with his computer, trying to install Windows 95 and getting pretty frustrated in the process. His son, Issac comes up to him and exclaims, "Dad, your computer doesn't have enough memory for that!" Abraham responds, "It's alright son, God will provide the ram."
Since you're not a geordie, you probably never will.
'Cuz he's hung like this:
(Not Linux, 'cause Linux sucked in 1995. OS/2 was still awesome, though.)
I'll be sin^2 and you can be cos^2, and together, we'll be 1.
They go to the professor's office and offer him an explanation: "We went to our friend's birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we could get help."
The professor nods sympathetically and says: "I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning."
When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and confidently, the students start writing.
The first question - five points out of one hundred - is a simple exercise in integration, and all four finish it within ten minutes.
When the first of them has completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads on the next one:
Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?
All four of the students then thought “0h SHI!!1” loudly in their heads, for they knew that they should have listened to their old friend Admiral Ackabar before the exam. All four students dutifully wrote “Epic Phail” as the answer for Problem 2 as they knew they were obligated to do. the end.