A man was riding down a country road on his horse, followed by his dog and his sheep. He comes across a funny-looking seer who claims that he can speak with animals. The guy's like, "bull", so the seer goes to the horse, starts neighing and looking like he's having a conversation with the horse, he looks back up and says, "the horse says you're a nice master, you always let him graze as much as he wants and you keep him well-groomed." The guy's like, "yeah, whatever, anyone could make that up." So the seer goes to the dog, same thing, starts barking and looks back up and says, "the dog says you're a great master, always willing to play and you keep him well fed." The guy's like, "come on", so the seer goes, "ok, ok. One more time then", he goes to the sheep, same thing, he looks up at the guy and the guy yells out, "Don't listen to that sheep, he's a god-damned liar!"
Here’s an effing joke: Aircraft that fly thru the air over an ocean become “trapped” by a submerged submarine!! ARGH!
“This is Bravo Squadron one, we’re currently overhea… UGH, … Oh shi… Sir! We’re feeling some underwater presence here sir… I can’t make it out… OMG!! We can’t go any further… trapped… by… teh… submarine…” END OF TURN.
Here’s an effing joke: Aircraft that fly thru the air over an ocean become “trapped” by a submerged submarine!! ARGH!
“This is Bravo Squadron one, we’re currently overhea… UGH, … Oh shi… Sir! We’re feeling some underwater presence here sir… I can’t make it out… OMG!! We can’t go any further… trapped… by… teh… submarine…” END OF TURN.
Alright, I got one. It's more of a funny story than a joke. This is 100% true.
Back when I was in Japan, after class one day I was talking to a Chinese friend of mine. We were talking about various stuff until she asked me about one other American at our school, who happened to be black (I mention this because it's important later).
She asks me if I knew him. Since there were only three other English speakers at the school, I did indeed know him. I said yes, and asked why.
She had recently met him, so she was curious. She asked if he was from America. I said yes.
She then wanted to confirm, slightly confused, that he was black. Given that it was very obvious, I hesitantly said yes, yes he is.
Then, she gave me a puzzled look, and completely seriously, she asks me, "Are there really black people in America?"
I was totally floored. I never thought I'd ever be asked that question seriously. Some parts of the world are just a little too homogeneous.
It took me awhile to get that, since the grammar doesn't work out. I'm trying to think of a way to re-word that...
IN THE MEANTIME:
Once upon a time, a boy was sitting in class, he raised his hand and when the teacher acknowledged him, he said, "Purple-Passion". The teacher screamed, slapped him across the face and send him down to the Assistant Principal's office. When he got there the Asst. Principal asked him what he did, so he said, "Well, I said a word in class and the teacher slapped me and sent me down here." "What did you say?", asked the Asst. Principal. "Purple-Passion." replied to boy. The Asst. Principal punched him in the face and sent him down to the Principal's office. When he got there the Principal asked him why he was there, so he said, "Well, I said a word in class and the teacher slapped me and sent me down to the Asst. Principal's office, then the Asst. Principal punched me and sent me here." "What did you say?", asked the Principal. "Purple-Passion." replied to boy. The Principal kicked him in the nuts and sent him down to the Super Intendant's office. When he got there the Super Intendant asked him why he was there, so he said, "Well, I said a word in class and the teacher slapped me and sent me down to the Asst. Principal's office, the Asst. Principal punched me and sent me to the Principal's office, then the Principal kicked me and sent me down here." "What did you say?", asked the Super Intendant. "Purple-Passion." replied to boy. The Super Intendant kicked his ass and sent him home. When he got home, his mother asked him why he was out of school so early, so he said, "Well, I said a word in class and the teacher slapped me and sent me down to the Asst. Principal's office, the Asst. Principal punched me and sent me to the Principal's office, the Principal kicked me and sent me to the Super Intendant's office, then the Super Intendant kicked my ass and sent me home." "What was the word?", she asked. "Purple-Passion." he said. His mother slapped him across the face and sent him to his room without dinner. When his father got home, his wife was hysterical, so he went up to his son's room asked him what happened, so the boy said, "Well, I said a word in class and the teacher slapped me and sent me down to the Asst. Principal's office, the Asst. Principal punched me and sent me to the Principal's office, the Principal kicked me and sent me to the Super Intendant's office, the Super Intendant kicked my ass and sent me home, then Mom slapped me across the face and sent me to my room without dinner." "What was the word?", his father asked. So the boy said, "Purple-Passion." His father kicked him out of the house and told him to never come back. On the street he met a kindly old woman who saw what happened, so she asked why he was kicked out of his house, so he said, "Well, I said a word in class and the teacher slapped me and sent me down to the Asst. Principal's office, the Asst. Principal punched me and sent me to the Principal's office, the Principal kicked me and sent me to the Super Intendant's office, the Super Intendant kicked my ass and sent me home, my mom slapped me across the face and sent me to my room without dinner, and now my dad just kicked me out of the house and told me to 'never come back'." The old woman looked at him and said, "Well, that must be a pretty bad word, so I probably don't want to hear it. Here's $500 and a plane ticket to get you out of the country." The boy was really happy, "Thanks old lady!", he said. When he was on the plane, a stewardess noticed that he was flying all alone, so she asked him, "Why are you all by yourself, little boy?" The boy responded, "Well, I said a word in class and the teacher slapped me and sent me down to the Asst. Principal's office, the Asst. Principal punched me and sent me to the Principal's office, the Principal kicked me and sent me to the Super Intendant's office, the Super Intendant kicked my ass and sent me home, my mom slapped me across the face and sent me to my room without dinner, then my dad kicked me out of the house and told me to 'never come back'. Luckily, on the street, I met a nice old lady who gave me $500 and a plane ticket to get out of the country." "What did you say?", she asked. "Purple-Passion." he said. So the stewardess opened the emergency door and threw him out of the plane. Luckily he managed to grab a parachute on the way out and he safely landed next to an old man and his dog. The old man was a little surprised to see him land there, so he asked the boy what happened. The boy said, "Well, I said a word in class and the teacher slapped me and sent me down to the Asst. Principal's office, the Asst. Principal punched me and sent me to the Principal's office, the Principal kicked me and sent me to the Super Intendant's office, the Super Intendant kicked my ass and sent me home, my mom slapped me across the face and sent me to my room without dinner, then my dad kicked me out of the house and told me to 'never come back'. Luckily, on the street, I met a nice old lady who gave me $500 and a plane ticket to get out of the country. But half-way there the stewardess threw me out of the plane and I landed here." "What was the word?", the old man asked. The boy said, "Purple-Passion..... and I don't even know what it means." "hmmmm..." said the old man, "I don't know either, but if you want, there's a library across the street, you can go look it up." The boy was so excited, he began to run across the street, towards the library. But half-way across the street, he was hit by a car and died.
So, what's the moral of the story? Always look both ways before crossing the street.
Comments
Kentucky Freud Chicken.
Mother-fucking Good!
Man, what wrong wit you? I say you he dead.
Hey baby, can I be your derivative? I wanna lie tangent to your curves!
A man was riding down a country road on his horse, followed by his dog and his sheep. He comes across a funny-looking seer who claims that he can speak with animals. The guy's like, "bull", so the seer goes to the horse, starts neighing and looking like he's having a conversation with the horse, he looks back up and says, "the horse says you're a nice master, you always let him graze as much as he wants and you keep him well-groomed." The guy's like, "yeah, whatever, anyone could make that up." So the seer goes to the dog, same thing, starts barking and looks back up and says, "the dog says you're a great master, always willing to play and you keep him well fed." The guy's like, "come on", so the seer goes, "ok, ok. One more time then", he goes to the sheep, same thing, he looks up at the guy and the guy yells out, "Don't listen to that sheep, he's a god-damned liar!"
“This is Bravo Squadron one, we’re currently overhea… UGH, … Oh shi… Sir! We’re feeling some underwater presence here sir… I can’t make it out… OMG!! We can’t go any further… trapped… by… teh… submarine…” END OF TURN.
Don't pay her.
no one said Advance Wars was perfect.
A guy asked me for a quarter for a cup of coffee. So I bit him.
Back when I was in Japan, after class one day I was talking to a Chinese friend of mine. We were talking about various stuff until she asked me about one other American at our school, who happened to be black (I mention this because it's important later).
She asks me if I knew him. Since there were only three other English speakers at the school, I did indeed know him. I said yes, and asked why.
She had recently met him, so she was curious. She asked if he was from America. I said yes.
She then wanted to confirm, slightly confused, that he was black. Given that it was very obvious, I hesitantly said yes, yes he is.
Then, she gave me a puzzled look, and completely seriously, she asks me, "Are there really black people in America?"
I was totally floored. I never thought I'd ever be asked that question seriously. Some parts of the world are just a little too homogeneous.
"I admit that I did marijuana in college. I did it in snow, I did it in rain, but I did not inhale"
IN THE MEANTIME:
Once upon a time, a boy was sitting in class, he raised his hand and when the teacher acknowledged him, he said, "Purple-Passion". The teacher screamed, slapped him across the face and send him down to the Assistant Principal's office. When he got there the Asst. Principal asked him what he did, so he said, "Well, I said a word in class and the teacher slapped me and sent me down here." "What did you say?", asked the Asst. Principal. "Purple-Passion." replied to boy. The Asst. Principal punched him in the face and sent him down to the Principal's office. When he got there the Principal asked him why he was there, so he said, "Well, I said a word in class and the teacher slapped me and sent me down to the Asst. Principal's office, then the Asst. Principal punched me and sent me here." "What did you say?", asked the Principal. "Purple-Passion." replied to boy. The Principal kicked him in the nuts and sent him down to the Super Intendant's office. When he got there the Super Intendant asked him why he was there, so he said, "Well, I said a word in class and the teacher slapped me and sent me down to the Asst. Principal's office, the Asst. Principal punched me and sent me to the Principal's office, then the Principal kicked me and sent me down here." "What did you say?", asked the Super Intendant. "Purple-Passion." replied to boy. The Super Intendant kicked his ass and sent him home. When he got home, his mother asked him why he was out of school so early, so he said, "Well, I said a word in class and the teacher slapped me and sent me down to the Asst. Principal's office, the Asst. Principal punched me and sent me to the Principal's office, the Principal kicked me and sent me to the Super Intendant's office, then the Super Intendant kicked my ass and sent me home." "What was the word?", she asked. "Purple-Passion." he said. His mother slapped him across the face and sent him to his room without dinner. When his father got home, his wife was hysterical, so he went up to his son's room asked him what happened, so the boy said, "Well, I said a word in class and the teacher slapped me and sent me down to the Asst. Principal's office, the Asst. Principal punched me and sent me to the Principal's office, the Principal kicked me and sent me to the Super Intendant's office, the Super Intendant kicked my ass and sent me home, then Mom slapped me across the face and sent me to my room without dinner." "What was the word?", his father asked. So the boy said, "Purple-Passion." His father kicked him out of the house and told him to never come back. On the street he met a kindly old woman who saw what happened, so she asked why he was kicked out of his house, so he said, "Well, I said a word in class and the teacher slapped me and sent me down to the Asst. Principal's office, the Asst. Principal punched me and sent me to the Principal's office, the Principal kicked me and sent me to the Super Intendant's office, the Super Intendant kicked my ass and sent me home, my mom slapped me across the face and sent me to my room without dinner, and now my dad just kicked me out of the house and told me to 'never come back'." The old woman looked at him and said, "Well, that must be a pretty bad word, so I probably don't want to hear it. Here's $500 and a plane ticket to get you out of the country." The boy was really happy, "Thanks old lady!", he said. When he was on the plane, a stewardess noticed that he was flying all alone, so she asked him, "Why are you all by yourself, little boy?" The boy responded, "Well, I said a word in class and the teacher slapped me and sent me down to the Asst. Principal's office, the Asst. Principal punched me and sent me to the Principal's office, the Principal kicked me and sent me to the Super Intendant's office, the Super Intendant kicked my ass and sent me home, my mom slapped me across the face and sent me to my room without dinner, then my dad kicked me out of the house and told me to 'never come back'. Luckily, on the street, I met a nice old lady who gave me $500 and a plane ticket to get out of the country." "What did you say?", she asked. "Purple-Passion." he said. So the stewardess opened the emergency door and threw him out of the plane. Luckily he managed to grab a parachute on the way out and he safely landed next to an old man and his dog. The old man was a little surprised to see him land there, so he asked the boy what happened. The boy said, "Well, I said a word in class and the teacher slapped me and sent me down to the Asst. Principal's office, the Asst. Principal punched me and sent me to the Principal's office, the Principal kicked me and sent me to the Super Intendant's office, the Super Intendant kicked my ass and sent me home, my mom slapped me across the face and sent me to my room without dinner, then my dad kicked me out of the house and told me to 'never come back'. Luckily, on the street, I met a nice old lady who gave me $500 and a plane ticket to get out of the country. But half-way there the stewardess threw me out of the plane and I landed here." "What was the word?", the old man asked. The boy said, "Purple-Passion..... and I don't even know what it means." "hmmmm..." said the old man, "I don't know either, but if you want, there's a library across the street, you can go look it up." The boy was so excited, he began to run across the street, towards the library. But half-way across the street, he was hit by a car and died.
So, what's the moral of the story? Always look both ways before crossing the street.
I hate thee, Adam.
Paragraphs would make it too easy for people to skip parts.
This is how the world ends
Not with a bang but a truck full of ping-pong balls driving off a cliff